My journey continues

On June 30th, I had lap-band surgery against the wishes of my fiance, Michael. He threatened to end our relationship if I had it done, but no matter what I had already made up my mind. Needless to say, we didn't break up and in fact, I think he is more supportive now.

I have struggled with my weight for some time. I never felt pretty enough or skinny enough, for what you ask? For me. Somewhere along the way, I led myself into a world of negative feelings and everyone around me was better than I. I don't know when that started exactly, but growing up in high school was where I felt it most. I crash dieted down from a size 11 to a size 3 in a month because I didn't want to begin high school fat. Even after I lost the weight, I still didn't feel good enough. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was this fat girl inside.

There were times when I felt happy and good about myself, but they were always short lived. One day I woke up and found myself not only fat, but a mother of three kids, gone through 2 divorces, and wondering where my life had gone.

That is when I started looking into this lap-band stuff. I found myself nearing 40 and had to do something. I was unhappy, frustrated, irritable, depressed; anything negative I had it. After researching the band for several years, I decided I had to go for it. Because I didn't have any qualifying health problems ( only risks for), my insurance wouldn't cover it. I borrowed money and paid cash for it. I had to look at it as an investment in myself; in my future.

My fiance had these fears of me losing weight instantly and leaving him for something better. Having my band has been the best thing for me, but it is by no means the "easy way out". I still have to keep a strict watch of what I eat and I still have to exercise. I get so frustrated sometimes, because I can't always tolerate foods I use to love to eat. My stomach just doesn't agree with those things anymore.

I have only had two fills and maybe need to get a third, but before doing so, I wanted to make the restriction more of a mental one, than a physical one. My fiance said to me once, that i was lazy and didn't have the will power to lose the weight and had to resort to the band. Well he is seeing now, that it isn't all that easy and it takes much will power to lose the weight with him staring me in the face with his skinny body and a big plate of food.

Last year, I took the first step by having surgery, now this year it is time to kick it up a notch and work harder. I am working out more and surrounding myself with positive people to help me along the way. And I hope to be an inspiration to others as well.

I know I can do it and I know I will do it. It just takes time and dedication and most of all , love from yourself.